We Also Did This For Our Middle School Crush

by The Scene on January 15th, 2009

With his inauguration imminent, Barry Obammy is the best American thing since sliced bread (surrounding two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun).  Being the hottest ticket in international affairs, naturally all the other world leaders want to get close to him.  Canada, which is rightly convinced that acting on the world stage is the same as being in High School (this is correct), has decided that the best way to let Obama know that they not only like him but like like him, is to make the incoming President a mixtape of music by Canadian artists and they’re letting people on the intertoobs vote on which songs should be included.  This is obviously a mistake becasue it’s the same internet that brought you Chocolate Rain and Hamster on a Piano.  We’re pretty sure the list doesn’t even include Celiene Dion! We’d suggest “If I Had $1,000,000″ by the Barenaked Ladies to lend a hand with the bailout or show our shared commitment to “Democracy” by Lenoard Cohen.  Although the correct answer is clearly Rush’s “Closer To the Heart”.

An Open Letter to Gov. Rod Blagojevich

by The Scene on January 9th, 2009

Dear Rod,

When Patrick Fitzgerald first released his report on all your horribly corrupt activities we, quite naturally, assumed your problem was simply that you were dumb.  It’s okay, we thought, sometimes being dumb and getting in over your head happens to the best of us.  Once, when we were kids, we thought it would be a good idea to stand behind some bushes on the side of the road, throw rocks at cars, and then have the drivers give us reward money when we told them that the rock throwers were those no-good Johnson kids who lived down the street.  See, everyone does something dumb some time or another.  We figured that you just wanted to be a bad-ass, corrupt politician like all the cool kids up in Chicago but were too dumb to do it properly.  Your attempted fire-sale of the Barry’s vacated senate seat was so cartoonishly inept in its villainous buffoonery that we couldn’t help but feel bad for you.  It was like that scene near the end of Boogie Nights when Marky Mark and John C. Riley are about to try to rob the drug dealers.  You know its a bad idea; they know its a bad idea; everyone knows its a bad idea - but there’s nothing anyone can do about it because everyone’s involved is too dumb and coked out to know any better.

That was all before we saw your press conference today.  Now, we have to come to the conclusion that you are not dumb.  Appointing Mr. Burris to fill the seat was not the work of a dumb person, nor was claiming that the reason the Illinois state senate impeached you was because you worked too hard to protect poor minorities.  Also, quoting Tennyson.  These are not the actions of a dumb person, these are the actions of a crazy person.

So, we guess, what we’re trying to say is…our nephew is having a birthday party and the clown magician that we hired got hit by a car so last week so he had to cancel.  If you could come and entertain the kids that would be super awesome.  You’re going to have to bring your own costume (clown, pirate, guinea pig ninja) and we can’t pay you, but you can eat all the cake you want (its princess cake) and we’d be more than happy if you wanted to use us as a reference for future jobs.  If you’re interested, please let us know ASAP.  Thanks.

Sincerely,

F. Jameson Turquoise